A Bite of Gender Issues

I spent this afternoon watching some videos from Ted Talks. For those who don’t know, TED is a nonpartisan nonprofit devoted to spreading ideas, usually in the form of short, powerful talks (you can subscribe TED channel in youtube though if you’d like to watch it as well). Continue on, I always got fascinated by the thoughts and notions shared from this channel. And what I spent watching this afternoon is “Feminist” topic. There are some videos about women from different backgrounds who talk about Feminist from their point of views. I’m not an expert in this field nor do I know so much about being a feminist. The basic knowledge I know about feminist is how you call a person who supports feminism. A person who believes that women are equal with men socially, economically, and politically. There are some types of feminist, but I’m not going to dig some more. However those videos give me some kind of insights that I absorbed and got me sit now writing with some thoughts. My friends often call me a feminist, which I don’t agree with. Not because I don’t like a feminist or I don’t proud to be one, but simply because I’m not a feminist. Yes I stood up sometimes when my male friends speak low about women; how they should be, their flaws, their thoughts or when the other way around when they speak high about men; their dignities, what they capable of, and how women should respect men more. It is not the idea of women being dominated by men that makes me stood up. It is the thought of how people are labelled by their gender. Here I’m not going to talk about being a feminist nor an equalist. Here I’m simply talking about why people are labelled by their gender. Seeing those videos make me realize some things and one of it is how I tend to avoid conflict by trying to ignore the vivid problems that we have, in the past and yet still going around now: gender issues. One of the speaker said that we don’t comfortable in talking about gender – which is right. I and my friends tend to laugh and avoiding conflict when it comes to gender topic. Well I did stood up for some topics related to this matter but we didn’t go far as we would ended up laughing or changing the topic. Physically, yes men are usually stronger than women. This is something that I won’t argue with. But when it comes to personalities, characters, and capabilities, we shouldn’t be judged by our gender. Yes we do have tendency to act or think due to our gender, but that doesn’t define who we are. Man who is afraid of cockroach doesn’t mean that he is less than a man, so does a woman who knows self-defense doesn’t mean that she is less than a woman. We have been seeing cross-profession such as male chef, male fashion designer, female pilot, female engineer, and so on, that we don’t see much in the past. I am blessed by the fact that women are being more appreciated now because I’m a woman myself. But read between the lines, we are “only” being more appreciated. There’s a saying, “respect others if you want to be respected”. I’m grateful by how far people would act on respecting women more now. However, have we respect men enough yet? In some cases, I felt like we are the ones who group ourselves based on our gender. Men should protect women, men should treat women gently, you are the man so you know what to do, you are a man so act like one, a man should not be afraid of height and so on. How can we be respected if we keep degrading men? Our society teaches us that a real gentlemen open the door for ladies, ladies’ first, men pay, quota for women in the government, and so on. I am not saying that I don’t like the special treatments given by men. But I believe that men deserve special treatments as well (i.e massage, home-cooking, surprise, gift, etc). I don’t understand why in queuing it has to be ladies’ first unless that woman is pregnant or an old lady. I don’t understand why there should be 30% quota for women sitting in the government while we strive to be where we want to be not because of our gender, but because of our brain, act, and vision. The one that I don’t support is the act of judging people by their gender, not their potentials and values. I don’t understand why women ask to be respected while we degrade men. I don’t understand why men should be the one to decide in a relationship while it takes two to tango. We shouldn’t act toward others because of their gender. What I see, the more women demand for special treatment or “being respected”, the more men retaliate by degrading women that we don’t have anything worth to be compete with. Chimamanda Adichie said it beautifully that “culture doesn’t make people, people make culture”. We should be treated and respected by what we are, not our gender. If we keep on penetrating values of how men should respect women instead of how we should respect each other, how are we going to break the wall between men and women? Women’s success should not intimidate men. Men’s vulnerability should not degrade themselves. Don’t judge people by their gender. Everyone can go as far as they want, have the opportunities of being heard, and respected by their potentials and values. Best Regards, Me :)

Safe Flight !

What do you expect when you say "safe flight" to somebody ? Nice landing ? Safe trip ? Arrived safely ? Well, for me it depends on where do you think the person is going. In normal circumstances, when you see your friend is leaving for vacation - working - travelling.. You convey this message to show your wish for the person's safety while going to the destination. You wish everything is going to be fine and hoping to see a smile drawn on that person's face so that you actually have that warm feeling that everything is going to be fine. That you will get another chance to see that person. One day. Somewhere. Someday. Today, I'm sending off one of my teacher that I know him by heart. Well not literally "sending him off" like dropping him by the airport. But more like sending him prayers for all the best things on him and may lucks along his way afterwards. I wasn't being a very nice student. Often challenging his lectures and ended up getting to know more and learn more. I learned many things from him. Not only about my knowledge in working, how to go through life, and how to smile. I think the best thing he taught me is how to smile. Life is not as perfect and beautiful as you hope and you expect to, but smile is the only way to go through it. No matter how hard, no matter how sad, no matter how do you feel about it, the show must go on. Indeed, the show must go on. Shit happens. You go down and doomed. It happens. That's life. You had enough. You fed up. You don't know where to hide. But you have people around you who look up on you. I still need to learn many things but I know he'll always be there. So, I hope and I'm sure that you go to a better place and we'll meet again at better moment. Safe flight, Boss. To those nice beaches and sunshine. To wherever you go. And whatever is waiting for you there. À bientôt, Monsieur.

Silent Conversation

Do you ever feel like talking to the night ? I mean, like looking at the view outside the car at night and feels like your mind is going somewhere else, having a conversation with the night sky which is having a sweet company named the lights. Your body stays still but your mind is going round and round, occupied by thoughts you had during the daylight. You feel so tired that your brain is actually numb but you need to get your brain busy of things. You have this feeling when you don't feel like talking to somebody or someone, that you just need to make a conversation. To something that doesn't respond to you at all. But something that makes you react honestly. Until out of the blue you start making these scenarios in your head, take 1.. Take 2.. Take 3.. Few or more scenarios of "what if"s. You re-play related scenes of your memories in your head. Things you might or might not be doing. Things you could only imagine to happen but it didn't and it wouldn't in any case. Then the lights suddenly become blurry and looks so vague that you are actually realise that you're just stuck in a moment. You imagine things you could've done better but you didn't do it anyway. You imagine of what life would be but you didn't put yourself all out that you missed the chance. You got scared of the consequences. Or things you got trapped of and you tried so hard to figure it out but you couldn't find yourself at the right place, right time or right door. You heard this gentle voice that is talking to you, pulling your off your very own conversation that actually happen in your head only and you see this marker at the side of the road saying "something big is coming". You close your eyes and slowly inhaling and exhaling.. You gotta continue the show and watch how it becomes. Your time has not come yet. You need to get yourself together. See things with your heart. If only you have something left in your heart now. This is what you call a silent conversation. As it was made not to solve anything, but to give you some rest trying to get rid of boundaries and its burden. When you're having that conversation, the night will only listen and the lights will keep you company. A sweet company.

The Intersection

I always think that the airport is an intersection. People come and go, have different destinations, have different goals, have different adventures or stories to make, waiting for their arrival. People in the airports have expectations, either those who are waiting to pick up or send away somebody or even those who are going to leave or arrive to their destinations. They may set their expectations earlier or even right after they step their feet in the airport. Well sometimes you don't really aware of what's waiting for you in your destination.. It feels nostalgic whenever I see someone who looks daydreaming in the airport. I always have those days where I imagine what kind of adventure that is waiting for me, either for working or having a vacation. I will meet many people from different backgrounds, different places, different values, different point of view, different way of living. It feels magic to me when I can imagine those thoughts of what kind of stories I will make with that person, how are we going to meet, people I may not think will be a friend of mine or even becoming "my people". Don't you think that life is such a gift with soooo many gift wraps to cover it up? Sometimes you need to figure out what is your actual gift. You got a box, you tried to open it, but all you could find is gift wraps by gift wraps. Until you got tired et voila ! Suddenly you have opened the last gift wrap and found your gift. Ps: a gift is not always something that you like :) You went through stories, you met amazing people, you made memories, then you found out the moral of the stories. Thing you need to remember, it's not always easy to figure it out as sometimes you don't even have any idea of what is the moral of the story until you spent years of searching, wondering, and juggling in the same place. It is not always easy to go through, to figure it out, and to accept the gift. I need to pull myself together as well when I thought it's a dead end. I sometimes forget that what I need to do is to figure out another route to get out from the labyrinth. So, the real question here is actually not what is your destination. But who do you pick to accompany you to get to that destination. Because you need the right person to enjoy the ride ;) Good luck, Sifa

An Appreciation for Memories

Being in love is when all songs and lyrics are dedicated to a person. Well, it sounds cheesy but I bet you're smiling when you try to think about it. And when you're trying to think about it, please remember that being in love doesn't mean all the beautiful and flowery things only. Being in love, is more than that. Being in love is when you're amazingly made as happy as you could. You become so greedy of the attention and spoiled of being loved. Being in love is when you're miserably made as sad as you could. You become the most unwanted and ridiculous person alive. The deeper your feeling is, the more you got attached and affected by every little details of changes your counterpart is going through. I used to be in your shoes. Confused of how people can be addicted by that kind of trap as if you can't let yourself free and got stuck into a situation that is out of your control. I used to use my logic more. Such as; why don't you try to control your feelings before you go deeper? why don't you hold yourself from something you can't bear of? why don't you step ahead by yourself and suit yourself as you don't really need any burden to live your life? I used to think a lot. And as I grow up, I think a lot some more :) - which means I'm using my brain quite often. Love is a magic that is able to make you hate the person you love the most and love the person you hate the most. You can't use your logic for love, because only love knows how two-becomes-one. Only love knows how your gloomy day can be brighten up only by a smile from your loved one. Only love knows how your heart can be broken by one or two words from your special one. I tried to squeeze my small brain to see what's beyond the magic and what I can come up with is "love is memories". No matter how much you're in love but when you remember of how your loved one betrayed you, you grow hatred little by little. In the contrary, no matter how much you're mad with your loved one but when you're reminded by how lovely and gentle that person used to be, you start making up excuses just to forgive. Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to show you how good or lucky my life is. I fell in love and hurt in the same time now. Yes I am mad and feel betrayed but that doesn't mean I hate him. I do forgive him, but doesn't mean that I want to let him go sincerely. The true nature of a person who is in love is selfish ! You possess that person so much that you want him/her just for yourself. You're busy thinking of how your life would be with your loved one and how that love one would be when he/she is with you one day. When you're in love, you're busy thinking small little details of how that person will react to anything you do. Truthfully I was enjoying myself being selfish and pampered until I woke up and realize that the time is up. When your loved one wants to grow up and the possibility of you become the hindrance is there. I was mad, of course. I was in denial. I was torn into somebody that I don't even know or proud of. I threw the blame on him. I was scared of losing myself and by nature, I ran into God. I wanted to pray for how beautiful my life will be and how to cope this brokenhearted. And love showed its magic one more time. When I prayed and closed my eyes, all I could think about is how happy I was when I see him smiling. How relieved I was whenever I know that he's doing fine. How grateful I was of him, that I didn't want to ask for anyone any better. I ended up praying of him to be fine, safe, and remain happy. Even though we worship different God, but he taught me of how God wants me to be closer to Him when I was going through something hard. He taught me how nice being loved is. He taught me to be honest and accept your own flaws. I was happy being perfectly imperfect together. I would never know how to fight my love one if it wasn't him showing me on how to always come back and fight for your love one. At the end, I don't want to be an ex who talks big that I will get over him or mad at him and don't want to hurt my pride some more. Start telling bad stories while I know that won't change anything. That, for sure, will only bring me going under and feel so small. The fact that I love him no matter how hard it was, it is, and it will is the one that keeps me going, is not something that I need to be ashamed of. I have to be proud of how I grow up and respect who umade me what I am today. Love is memories. Its warm is irreplaceable. Its kindness is unforgettable. Its tenderness is valuable. When you love someone, you love him/her with all your heart so whenever he/she left, it will leave a spot in your heart which forever granted to that person. Sometimes when you feel like missing the spot, you can come visit and feel its warm so you can continue your life. Regards, SP

Its Complexity

Human minds are complex. I read these words today and somehow it's embedded in my head. Haunting me around as it got me stunned by its meaning. Well, you don't need rocket science to get its meaning. Human minds are complex is a self explanatory. I read a story about a heroine who were juggling around and struggled a lot just to prove how useful she is. However, the more she tried to be, it always came to be she is the one to be saved. But she is indeed a heroine. She doesn't have any super power. She struggles a lot to find what she's good at. She found difficulties to acknowledge her own abilities, because what she's looking at is the ability people look up to. Not her own abilities. At the end, after she found how vulnerable and weakling she is, she eventually stood up to be a heroine by admitting her true colours. Yes, after long debate and tired of denial, she stood up. She faced herself. She pull herself together. She took control of herself so then she could be the heroine of her own. Guess what ? Her only ability is to love. She loves her people. She sincerely tries to protect her loved ones. She didn't take them for granted. She didn't turn her back when her loved ones hurt her. She trust them and she gives them all. No matter how cruel and how bad her loved ones tried to get rid of her, she would come back and fought for them. She didn't let her loved ones go through the battles by themselves even though she couldn't be their shield or the saviour of all. She only has her love which became the power of all. Sounds cliche ? Think of it. When you feel like loving makes you more human and weak.. But at the same time the solid your feelings are, the stronger you become. You have a reason to fight. You have something to protect. Human minds are complex. You need to get rid of your own ego just to see yourself crystal clear. When you caught up by your own ego, your own desires, you start to have these feelings; love, anger, jealousy, hatred, and so on. You forget what's important. You turn down your loved ones. You want everything more and more until you get tired and fed up of yourself and you don't even know what exactly do you want. Come to think of it, I too don't have the level of maturity to act as the heroine in my real life. I follow my desires. I don't get rid of my own ego. I'm eager to be a heroine people look up to. The bigger I want myself to be, the smaller I become. The only thing left in myself now which more likely the same as the heroine; I too have people I want to protect. I too have people who become my reason. I want to be strong. To keep my head up and walking side by side with people I look up to. I want to be my kind of heroine. Bear with me. Until its time. Human minds and its complexity; is a gift.

Demi Sebuah Rangkulan

Tangan itu terlihat nyaman bertengger di bahu putih sosok anggun berambut panjang itu. Sama nyamannya dengan menyandarnya sosok anggun itu pada si pemilik tangan. Diantara kerimbunan pepohonan yang hijau sejuk Dan temaram cahaya senja yang mengintip dari celah-celah dedaunan,soslk sepasang pria Dan wanita itu terlihat paling wajar di sore itu.
Ada rindu yang samar dilukiskan dua punggung yang berdiri sejajar itu. Mereka terlihat ramah antara satu Dan lainnya,layaknya dua kawan yang sudah lama tidak menjumpai satu sama lain. Kemudian sekali lagi dikatakan,sosok itu semakin terlihat wajar.
Lalu bagaimana yang tidak wajar itu? Apa yang salah Dan tidak pada tempat seharusnya?
Hmm,tidak wajar itu,adalah ketika sosok pria yg merangkul sosok anggun itu adalah milik wanita lain yang sedang mengintip dari kejauhan.Dalam hening sosok itu terjaga mengamati kedua sosok yg dikenalnya akrab.
Bukan amarah Dan bukan kepedihan yang terpancar dari sorot matanya,melainkan kasih sayang yang mengalun dalam batinnya.Ntah apa kata-kata yang tercetus dari bibir pria itu sehingga sosok anggun itu mampu mempertaruhkan segalanya demi sebuah rangkulan.Sosok yang diketahuinya cukup cerdas dalam menerjemahkan bahasan dalam sebuah bahasa.Sosok yang seharusnya tahu mana janji yang sungguh akan terwunud,Dan mana yang hanya rangkaian kata layaknya butiran air yang menguap membentuk awan ringan yang terbawa angin.
Pada kenyataannya,kata-kata adalah representasi dari kepentingan masing-masing pihak. Keberadaannya adalah relatif,yang artinya tidak satu pun dapat terpegang. Bahwasanya adalah kesia-siaan jika kita melemparkan kesalahan pada kata demi kata individu lainnya. Karena tepat sesaat sebelum kita mempercayai kata-kata itu,kita telah lebih dulu mengacuhkan kata hati kita sendiri.Jadi mengapa kita masih memindahkan tanggung jawab itu di saat terlepas Sebuah tindakan dipicu oleh kata-kata. Sesungguhnya,saat kamu membuat keputusan,maka kepemilikan untuk sebab Dan akibatnya adalah dirimu sendiri.
Tersadar,sosok wanita dikejauhan itu bangun dari lamunannya. Suara dering handphonenya berbunyi. Diangkatnya dengan spontan,"ya Pa?".
"Ma,kita jadi makan siang nggak,aku mau masak nih,perayaan hari jadi pernikahan kita".
Si istri,tertegun sejenak. Dilihatnya jam tangannya,lalu diliriknya sosok pria yang masih merangkul sosok anggun itu kini sebelah tangannya sedang memegang handphone.
"Pa,Maaf ya aku tahu hari ini hari jadi kita Dan kebetulan ini jatuh di hari libur. But seems that I'm gonna work until late. Will u b ok ?".
Hening di kejauhan, hingga akhirnya sang suami menyahut,"well,if it's more important,then what can I say? I'm with your bestfriend now. I can invite her to come over to taste my cooking".
"yes,it is. And yes, you may invite Laura to fill my absence. Thanks,Dear.Happy anniversary".

you had me at hello

"People change, feelings change. it doesn't mean the love once shared wasn't true and real. it simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart"

a quote taken from a movie.

one of my favorite movie, which shows that the expectation doesn't always go along with reality. true.

i'm having all this crap floating on my mind, crawling & is about to burst.love matters? nope. too melancholic & vague. i'd like to call it "feelings".

something that happens to you when you wake up in the morning & find out that you were never be sure with somebody you're with. you failed to spell the words, you just know.

or you just realize it when somebody asking you, "is it still there?" & you couldn't give the answer.

and so on.


well, truth is, we will never be sure with somebody/anybody.

because we never be 100% sure of ourselves.

you know that somebody had you at hello & the next thing you met him/her, you don't even have any reason to hold them into your life. trying to keep them away. make a shortcut to end this beautiful live story you ever proud of. out of the blue.

or you have somebody, had you at hello & the next thing you met him/her, you don't even have any reason to hold them into your life. but you just like to keep them there no matter happen. though feelings change, you still need them to complete your life.

feelings are fragile. trust, prejudice, pride, all stored into memories, that you turn over and over again just to remind yourself that you are still able to retrieve the feelings felt in that time.

memories that keep you alive.
as a reminder that feelings are so vague, fragile, & forgotten.

but once feelings change, lies are something that you got.
while you give it a shot for honesty, you only get it worse.

how do we keep these feelings to feel the same thing & felt as same way you had it the very first time?

truth, we don't.

we may be able to remind how it feels or how did it come to you. but no one could avoid it when it comes to fade.

what you are capable of is, to feel different feelings to the same person in each day, each time, whenever & wherever.

regards.

Imaginary World

What are we?


Living a world, that would never be true. we are hoping that we are living the right thing in a right way with a right reason.
spoiled people could easily moaning & crawling some help just to get their problems done. to get things done.

which there'd never be.

nothing will be done.

it's just like a snowball, rolling from a little thing which gets smooth & apparently it's getting bigger & you think that you couldn't handle it.

Live is a snowball. you create it. you imagine how big will it be & how perfect the form will be. where will it be rolling, through which way will it reach the end & end up like a burst.

if you mind being a picky in a selfish world, please don't mind to be a little bit bitter due to there'd never be an end for everything.

-because an end is a new beginning of something else-

don't cost your life at stake, cause it is already at stake whenever you decide to wake up & live your life.

please don't say that you are living a hard life, like people around you are living their life easier, because no one life is easier than the others. & asking to switch your life & their life, will be a futile idea.


they just decide how to handle it. how to face it. how to overcome.
you would never be able to live someone's life & so do he/she.
you've been great with yours, anyway.

the one who matters problems will end up in a hard life, as he/she might wanted it to be.

see here, sometimes, people-do-ask-a-hard-life.

if you don't believe this, pls take a mirror & see yourself, how would it be if you do the other things for your life.
will it be that harder? or much easier?

you are saying that you are living a hard life - well, it sounds like you wish that whatever you are living now to be considered as a hard time for everyone.

pls don't blame life since you are the one who matters it.

why would you be afraid of what you're going to do?

we'll die anyway-sooner or later.

whenever will it be, you'd still be astonished.

world would never be true. it is just an imaginary thing created by people's.no fairy tale ever happened, & it'd be a waste to go ask for the real thing.

while you are one of the creator of the unreal world.

i'm not asking somebody to start asking his/her life after all.

i'm only wondering, why should u bother to matter the world while you are one of the preposition?

the moment you are asking yourself, you will ask what you had left & passed.

-while you don't have anything at all-

you born naked & fragile. you'd be back to be naked & more fragile at the end of the day.

yes, at the end of the day. you were one of the creators.

If You Stop to Step

What happen if you stop to step?
What happen if you stop to try?
What happen if you stop believing?
and so on.

such some cliche questions.

but those questions will remain the same if you start to think about "stopping".

Usually people start to think to stop when they meet the obstacles, when they thought they couldn't bear the feeling of failure, undesirable or unexpectable results. People will be chickened out when they feel insecure. And for sure, the feeling of failure is the best place to feel insecure.

But if they really look into the root, they will find out that the actual wick of the insecure feeling is started by themselves.

Yes, you are by yourself is the one who decides whether you could bear the challenge or not.
You are the one who asks yourself to "stop" while you're trying & choose to let people to see how pathetic you are.
Worst, you are the one who hurt yourself for not letting yourself to prove that you could face the matters - which stands right in front of you.

Dealing the reality.
Reality bites-for sure-but it won't bite you if you know exactly how friendly reality is.
yes, reality is your teacher, your friends, your parents, whoever or whatever you want it to be. And as a teacher, friends -real friends, parents, they won't let you be blunt or blind.
You need to see, hear, & act, by your own words.

You live in the world & surrounded by people you believe, not to tell you what to do, but to tell you what they want you to do just because they want you to tell them what exactly you want to do.

And if you want to feel jealous to someone else, please pick up yourself first. Because you will see somebody who actually has so many talents but to shy to show it up or the reverse, to cocky to let people know how capable you are of something.

Win or lose, is only a word. But if you "stop to step", it means the world.
Nothing is constant, but the fact that life goes on & you will always need to step, whatever happened yesterday, or will happen today & tomorrow.

So later on if you want to stop, just remember:
"you will stop dealing with yourself".


regards.

guys,i'm pregnant

Guys,I'm pregnant.
There's something in my tummy writhing like it's going to scream.
It contains of pain of my conscience.
Such a convict in a cold tummy.

Guys,I'm pregnant.
I don't know which doctor or what kind of specialist shall I meet to overcome this little buddy inside my tummy.
And the best part is this little buddy is starting to influence my brain.I feel numb and my body is stiff,rigid like a dead body. Am I going to be a zombie soon enough ?

Guys,I'm pregnant.
All I can do know is starting to think about my little buddy's future.where will it be,when will it be,&whom to show its coming.

Guys,I'm surely do - pregnant !
So would you please stop telling me,"john,get real,man.you don't do pregnancy".

in the matter of fact.
I DO.
YOU DO.
WE DO.
EVERYONE DOES.

I have my own conscience as my fetus. It could be a big baby who is screaming aloud & sometimes the more we held its voice..the easier we get to vomit.
So guys, me;you;and everybody..we do pregnancy. We do keep our 'babies' alive up until we reach the limit to keep it stop to hide itself. We do pregnancy with the idea,conscience,work,etc..as the babies.

So,when will you giving a birth?


Regards.

what's yet to come

Friends.

As you might say,is the name of people who get along when your family not. Know you better than any of your spouses will. Accept you than any of your boyfriends\girlfriends do.

They just do, for no specific reason, found you with all sort of your lacks.

They're our reflection of what we do, our closest picture of what we are, and our dirty little secret of what we had :) They're just something that keep us.

In fact, however mesmerizingly they touch your life, doesn't mean that they will stay forever next to you. There are times when they weren't there when you need them the most. There are times when they weren't be on your side and choose wherever you did, and there are times when they were just being nice&stay as long as they can, but at the end of the day, your path will cross :)

Anger, sadness, betrayal you name it until farewell are things that may be unbearable in friendship. Some things just matter when it comes to people you love.


People may change, feelings may gone, but memories that you made are golden. It stays forever and will haunt you down if you are willing to deny it.


And the truth will reveal its seal.


Wherever you go, your path will cross again and again and again. Someday, somewhere, in a perfect moment that you might foreseen about what's yet to come.



Even if it's not, try to remember:
The end of something, is always the beginning of the other things :)


Best regards.

Vague Tire

life is always around, dear.
round & round until you got tired and "i think i'm gonna vomit" scene is the best part that might sneak into your comfy sleep in the middle of the night.

exagerrating? that's not my thing.
i do living my life precisely in a way which i'd love to call a "realistic" than bitter - as you might say.

being astound to one and the other scenes is not my call, but still, i do have a heart to tell "sorry, thank you, & please" part.

so, what's our current issue?

remorse.

happen to occur, this word brings you annoyed by those horrible shadows which find you fail to be shammed even in your happiest smile ever seen.

people usually find this as a matter of fact that remorse is unacceptable, unbearable, & inevitable. it's way better for you to be wiser than ever or at least being aware of what happens next.
remorse always comes too late.

it bugs you more than you expect if you're tend to deny it.
but the fact is, you're only human & denying is the best act you would do to save your butt -*sorry to say*- out of the fire.

the fancy part is, even if you know that remorse is all you might got when you're playing with "fire", still it doesn't mean that you'd prefer to use your tiny little brain to work it out.

then i watched this movie, which combine the word "what" and "if". i forgot precisely how it might have been said, but what i remind is "both words are just simple words but if you combine it with one another, it might be a simple question that haunts you whenever & wherever you go" -- "what if"

even in my any logical explanation, this simply question i foresee will haunt me more than what i'm aware of - only if i trapped myself in a silly circumstance.

the thing is, people do have a remorse, including me.
they might have a worst remorse that unbearable and it might able to evolve them in a hardship, ONLY if they are fully understand that remorse is a gift from the past.

you might did something bad or something that you might promise you wouldn't do if you had given one more chance to take it back.
Life seems like a vague tire which able to round and move forward instead of roll it back like you wanted to be.


cursing, blaiming and complaining won't last you in a good shape of future you dream about.
so like Oasis said, "don't look back in anger" because if you were have a remorse to be paid of, just one thing to be recalled: remorse is a gift from the past that courages you to belief yourself that "you will always have a better choice - if you want it to be".

come and go

people come and go.

if someone's coming then someday they might be gone, by default.

by divorce, resign, escape, broke up, death, and so on.
people have too many reasons to go, same as they have it to come.
we are destined to be a part and apart in one simply story-of life.

why don't God just let us to be a part for the rest of our life?

simply, only because God wants to show us of how much they're worth for us.

then again, i spent my 1st of january in condolence.
for the others, 1st of january used to be some new beginnings of a new life, bla bla bla..
as mine, "the end of someone that means something for me"-for these recent 2 years.

the thing is, it doesn't really matter about how people come and go.
the one that matters, is what happened after they're gone.
what's left?
good things..bad things..or something that hasn't done yet.

life is a series of an unpredictable event, and an unexplainable, as well.

so i sat in front of a house which a friend of mine was sleeping and wouldn't ever gonna wake up.
i saw people around me were chattering one to another and felt pity on the family.

then i recalled as much as i could at the moment of people i've met and what happened after they're gone.

people may come and go.
but how we want to be remembered, depends on our decision during our lifetime.

"life is like a book, when the story ends, there'll be another book to be published, then might be some popular books to be a best seller--but only a 'good book' that will win the pulitzer"

so, how do you want to be remembered?

going the distance

the title above as the same as one of the new film which played by Drew Barrymore and Justin Long.

it tells us about a story between two people in a long distance relationship (LDR).

recently, i just moved into a new work place and found out that i'm surrounded by many people in a long distance relationship. this is a common case, actually, but when you're into a relationship (serious one) or marriage, it becomes something different and full of commitment.

many people have a successful LDR and many don't.
otherwise, many people don't do LDR.

hesitation brings you to the unfaithful relationship.
while temptation is everywhere, people.

you might be gone to a city and have a 'life' there, which contains with some new friends to hang out, new troubles that drown you and keep you busy with yourself, new things you might like, until new 'temptation'-s you might meet.

and so on.

believe me, people changes and they might seek for something better than 'now'.
whether it fits with their requirements or maybe it suits with something in their mind.

never judge those people, because you might be in the same place like them.

but here's the thing:

"distance is only a way to make people apart to realise that they're a part"

daydreaming

Mimpi.
Mimpi adalah imajinasi kelabu yang didengungkan desiran hawa nafsu hingga berwujud keinginan, yang disucikan pembenarannya. Setiap letupan keinginan memamerkan gaungnya, hanya agar semesta alam terusik dan terpikat olehnya. Maka keinginan adalah godaan klasik yang senandungnya kadang lirih saat dia tersiakan.
Dan dia pun hadir dalam mimpi. Membuat jengah dengan wujud kokohnya yang tak teraba. Hanya ilusi megah membuat keingintahuan membayangi. Apakah dia? Bagaimanakah wujudnya aslinya? Darimanakah asalnya? Sungguh elegi yang buyar dalam teka-teki akan keinginan yang singgah dalam mimpi.
Bila saja, mimpi mudah digapai. Maka keinginan bukan suatu tragedi. Maka tak ada keinginan yang ironis. Maka keinginan bukan lagi proposisi mimpi, melainkan dialah mimpi itu sendiri.
Coba dengar bisikan angin, saat dia tertawa hambar. Miris melihat problematika yang mendarah daging dalam nurani manusia. Apakah manusia yang mengontrol keinginan, atau justru sebaliknya?
Derap-derap langkah cemas genderang jantung. Keinginan begitu memikat, hingga mampu menguasai mimpi. Terombang-ambing oleh segala tipu daya dan segenap ilustrasi akan serupa bentuk, dari gumpalan keinginan. Maka kita akan semakin goyah, semakin pilu dan hambar akan teka-teki waktu yang tak menjelaskan apa raga dari keinginan itu sendiri.
Ketika kata-kata bukan lagi yang dimau dan hanya keinginan yang membangkitkan mimpi dalam senandung lirih para insan yang tertidur lelap, maka keinginan pun mulai kehilangan artinya. Mimpi hanya bayangan buram akan ketidakpastian. Dan kembali membuat kita bertanya. Bertanya pada diri sendiri, selayaknya kita sedang bertanya pada Tuhan. Apakah manusia yang mengontrol keinginan, atau justru sebaliknya. Keinginan yang mengontrol manusia.
Berkehendaknya manusia seolah menjadi pertanyaan klasik yang hanya menjanjikan kemampuan menjawab, tanpa pembuktian yang nyata. Tanpa evaluasi. Tanpa realisasi.
Jika saja, manusia dapat hidup di negeri dongeng, dimana setiap orang dapat hidup dalam mimpi mereka dan menghidupkan mimpi itu sendiri. Santun didengungkan serentetan dongeng hanya agar kita bertahan. Dan mampukah kita bertahan dalam negeri dongeng? Negeri yang layaknya sangkar emas, dimana kebahagiaan adalah memikat, kemudian mengikat.
Namun, aku mau bermimpi. Aku ingin bermimpi. Entahlah mimpi itu hanya ilusi dan hanya keinginanku yang mampu hidup didalamnya. Aku tetap ingin bermimpi. Entahlah mimpi itu mampu memburamkanku dengan luapan keinginanku yang terpancar didalamnya. Aku tetap ingin bermimpi. Entahlah hingga pada akhirnya aku menjalani hidupku layaknya mimpi, biarkanlah mimpi menjadi hidupku.
Layaknya madu beracun, yang begitu manis memikat. Warna coklat keemasan begitu menarik, hingga mengundang orang menyentuhnya. Mencobanya setetes demi setetes hingga akhirnya ketagihan. Dan malaikat kematian pun mampu tersenyum lebar, hingga akhirnya dengan sabar menanti dan siap menjemput raga yang jiwanya terenggut. Begitulah memikatnya mimpi. Kekuatan dari keinginan. Penuh ketidakpastian dan dunia yang tak mengenal batasan.
Bahagialah kamu yang berkeinginan. Bahagialah kamu yang bermimpi. Karena mimpi takkan hadir tanpa keinginan yang membahana dalam gejolak jiwa setiap insan. Mimpi adalah senjata yang mampu membuat bumi dan langit iri sekaligus berdoa. Berdoa untuk tahu, bahwa mimpi mereka hadir untuk menjadi suatu realitas. Perihnya realita mungkin membangunkanmu dari mimpi. Namun bukan berarti memacumu lari darinya. Realita menginginkanmu hanya agar kamu bangun dan kembali bermimpi, hingga kamu bangun untuk mengejar mimpi itu. Realita menyadarkanmu akan pesan kehidupan. Bermimpilah.

jana and yana

Aku mau piknik, ujar Jana pagi itu.
Mata besarnya terlihat berbinar menatap Dion yang baru saja bangun dari tempat tidurnya kala itu. Dion pun mengusap wajah dengan kedua tangannya, berusaha menyegarkan pikirannya, agar dapat menyimak lebih jelas kelakuan Jana kali ini.
Sori, kamu bilang mau apa?, tanya Dion lagi.
Aku mau piknik, Dion. Semuanya udah aku siapin di tas. Ayo, kamu mandi. Wear your glasses and take a bath by now. I’ll wait, ujar Jana lagi.
Sambil menggaruk kepalanya, Dion memeriksa jam dindingnya. Waktu menunjukkan pukul 6 pagi. Udara masih terlalu jernih dan dingin untuk sebuah piknik. Diliriknya sosok gadis dengan rambut yang dikuncir asal itu. Dia terlihat bersemangat memeriksa kelengkapan di dalam tasnya. Entah apa saja barang-barang yang ditaruhnya di dalam tas rotan berukuran besar itu.
Serius? Terus kamu ngapain bawa tas rotan gitu, sih?, tanya Dion acuh tak acuh.
This is a picnic, ok? We should bring this rattan bag and a blanket, just like the irish does, jawabnya bersemangat sambil memamerkan tas rotan dan selimut bermotif kotak-kotak.
Whatever, gumam Dion tak ambil pusing.
Dion pun mengambil handuknya dan segera menuju kamar mandi, yang terletak di dekat kamarnya. Matanya sedikit melirik ke sekitar kamar mandi, apakah ada teman-teman kontrakannya yang sedang mengincar kamar mandi pagi itu.
Haha, siapa juga yang mau mandi minggu pagi gini, celetuknya dalam hati.
Dion melangkah masuk ke kamar mandi dan mandi secepat yang dia bisa. Dia tak ingin membuat Jana menanti. Jana bisa menyindirnya habis-habisan kalau rencana pikniknya digagalkan Dion. Selesai mandi, Dion memakai deodorantnya yang ada di kamar mandi, kemudian memeriksa senyumnya pagi itu. Apakah dia sudah menggosok gigi dengan bersih atau tidak. Setelah dia yakin secemerlang apa dia pagi itu, Dion pun melangkah keluar kamar mandi. Dia membuka pintu, dan..
Hoi! Pagi amat, Yon? Gue kira siapa, ngerusak morning tradition gue aja, celetuk pria bertubuh tambun didepannya itu.
Ah elo, Rob. Itu, Jana ngajakin piknik, jawabnya malas.
Cengiran Robi yang penuh arti pun segera terukir polos, seolah dengan sengaja dia tak berniat menutupinya sama sekali.
Romantisnyaaaaaaaa…
Berisik ah, sana lo, mau boker kan?
Kereen. Tau gitu sih, lo?
Morning tradition, nyet. Apaan lagi, coba?
Lo emang temen yg paling pengertian. Sayang Jana nggak ngerti maksud hati lo, hahahhaha. Have fun…’pik-nik’nyaaaa
Spontan Dion bergaya setengah melempar Robi dengan handuknya. Masih adaaa saja orang yang meragukan hubungan pertemanan dia dan Jana. Namun, dia menahan sikapnya saat Jana tiba-tiba muncul dan bergaya seolah menunggunya terlalu lama. Jana menunjuk-nunjuk jam tangannya dan mengerutkan dahinya.
Ok, wait a minute. It won’t be long, ujar Dion yang segera bergegas.
Sekitar 10 menit kemudian, Dion pun telah bersiap dengan tas ranselnya. Dia mengelap kacamata berframe hitamnya dengan apik, memperjelas matanya yang sedikit terganggu embun pagi itu. Dingin masih nyaman menemani udara di sekitar rumah kontrakannya bersama teman-temannya tersebut.
Ok, kita masih sempet ngejar kereta kan, kalo sepagi ini, celetuk Jana penuh semangat.
Dion sedikit terperangah.
Kereta? Emang kita mau kemana?
Piknik.
Ya di mana?
Taman, lah. Aneh amat sih, lho, ujar Jana sambil berlalu.
Which park?, tanya Dion setengah memekik.
Namun, seperti biasa, the young and impulsive Jana yang selalu mengikuti kemana angin membawanya. There she goes.
Dan beberapa menit selanjutnya, Jana dan Dion sudah berada di dalam sebuah kereta. Membutuhkan waktu sekitar 1 jam menuju tempat mereka piknik. Penumpang kereta di waktu sepagi itu tidak terlalu banyak. Biasanya, di hari Minggu seperti ini, penumpang kereta justru lebih ramai, mengingat tempat tujuan mereka juga termasuk tempat wisata keluarga.
Ini bukan pertama kalinya Jana datang dengan berbagai ide spontannya. Sebagai sahabat, yang notabenenya ada di saat dibutuhkan, begitu pula layaknya Dion pada Jana. Dion yang selalu ada di saat Jana membutuhkannya. Dion ada di saat Jana ingin sate padang di malam hujan lebat. Dion ada di saat Jana ingin melihat Yogyakarta di pagi hari. Dion ada saat mereka berdua tersesat dan menghabiskan waktu menemukan jalan pulang. Dan terakhir, Dion ada saat Jana mau piknik di taman yang membutuhkan waktu 1 jam perjalanan via kereta api.
Jan, nggak ada tempat piknik yang lebih jauh lagi?, celetuk Dion, menatap Jana yang melihat pemandangan di jendela kereta api.
Jana yang hanya nyengir asal, tersenyum cerah saat Dion menatap matanya dengan lurus.
Aku mau deh, kita main petak umpet kaya waktu itu, Yon, ujar Jana, mengalihkan pembicaraan.
Petak umpet?, tanya Dion-teralihkan.
Iya, inget nggak? Yang kita main petak umpet keliling Jakarta. Aku sama kamu pisah jalan. Kita ngumpet di berbagai tempat di Jakarta. Kita pergi ke rute berbeda. Masing-masing harus nentuin 4 tempat untuk dikunjungin hari itu. Kita foto diri kita di tempat itu sebagai bukti. Dan kita harus sampai di tempat yang kita janjiin, sebelum waktu yang ditentukan. Siapa yang telat, dia kalah
Dan yang kalah, harus ngelakuin apapun yang dimau yang menang. AH! Gimana aku bisa lupa. Terakhir kali kamu yang menang, curang weeeek!
Hahahahhaha. Tapi kan request aku simple, nggak mahal-mahal
Tetep aja, kamu request aku nganterin kamu nyari ketoprak. Nyarinya sih, nggak susah, tapi berhubung nyarinya via ngebonceng kamu pake sepeda, astagaaa meletus betis aku
Hahahahahhaha. Masih untung aku nggak ngerengek naik becak, ya
Hahhahaha, segitu pengennya betis aku meletus kayak balon ya, Jan?
Hahhaahahahah. Yana is gay
Dan tawa Dion lenyap saat mendengarkan satu kalimat terakhir dari Jana. Berbeda dengan Jana yang masih saja meneruskan tawanya. Jana bahkan mungkin tak menydari seberapa berat pernyataan yang dilontarkannya barusan. Pernyataan yang mengundang pertanyaan.
Did you say that your brother is gay? For sure?, tanya Dion memperjelas apa yang baru saja didengarnya.
Kali ini Jana hanya nyengir lebar. Wajah polos dan mata berbinarnya terlihat tulus dan apa adanya.
Yesterday, he admitted it
Did your mom know about this?
Sooner or later, jawabnya mantab.
Tatapan lurus yang jujur dan tak menghakimi itu, hanya Jana yang memilikinya. Selain Jana, pastilah Yana. Saudara kembarnya.
Do you know one thing about being impulsive people? They always follow their heart, even if it’s to run away from their troubles.
They look tipsy of their happiness and happy as they can be.
Dan sosok itulah yang ditatap Dion saat ini. Sosok santai Jana yang ‘seolah’ menghadapi kenyataan.
Jana yang realistis dan impulsive, berkebalikan dengan Yana yang sensitif dan delusive. Dibesarkan oleh single parent yang independent. Saudara kembar itu terlihat saling melengkapi, menutupi kekurangan satu dan lainnya. Dion is the first person who can enter the bond between Jana and Yana.
Walau Jana lebih realistis, namun Dion tahu dengan benar, bahwa justru Yana lebih tegar daripada Jana. Bukan karena Yana adalah pria. Tapi lebih pada sifat Jana yang absurd. She doesn’t even know the map of herself. Dion adalah orang pertama yang bisa Yana percaya untuk dia menitipkan Jana.
Jana yang selalu terlihat santai. Justru saat dia semakin tertawa lebar, yang terdengar oleh Dion adalah kebingungan. Jana yang linglung, yang tak pernah bisa menyayangi siapapun, kecuali Ibunya dan Yana. Dan kini keseimbangan sisi realistisnya akan terpengaruh oleh kenyataan harus serealistis apakah dia saat dunia mengetahui tentang Yana?
Kereta pun kini telah berhenti di stasiun yang berjarak 1 jam dari kota tempat mereka tinggal. Sinar matahari sudah mulai meninggi, namun belum begitu terik. Waktu mereka piknik masih ada.
Cari penyewaan sepeda, yuk, ajak Jana.
Dion yang menggeleng-gelengkan kepalanya langsung luluh saat Jana menggandeng tangannya dengan semangat.
Benar saja, ada tukang penyewaan sepeda di dekat stasiun itu. Setelah bernegosiasi sejenak, akhirnya mereka pun pergi menuju taman tersebut. Tentunya dengan Dion membonceng Jana. Jalanan yang sedikit menanjak, tak melunturkan semangat Dion yang ingin memenuhi hasrat Jana kala itu.
Begitu sampai di taman dan mencari tempat yang sedikit nyaman-tepat di bawah matahari hangat-her favorite. Jana membentangkan selimut lebarnya. Kemudian dia mengeluarkan sandwich yang telah dipersiapkannya.
Sori ya, adanya sandwich. Kamu kan tahu aku nggak bisa masak, ujar Jana tersipu malu.
Hahaha, belajar deh kamu dari Yana. Masa jagoan dia masak dari kamu?
What can I say? He’s such a gay, and indeed, he is
Sambil masih terkekeh, Jana mempersiapkan hidangan untuk Dion, berikut dengan orange juice kesukaan Dion, lalu dessert berupa waffle dengan selai blueberry dan rangkaian buah segar. Dion yang sudah kehabisan tenaga akibat mengayuh tanjakan dan membonceng Jana, langsung melahap hidangan tersebut.
Saat dia melahapnya, Dion sedikit malu melihat Jana yang menatapnya secara terang-terangan. Jana menatapnya lurus dan penuh konsentrasi.
Ngeliat apaan kamu?
Kamu, lah
Hahahhaha. Heh jangan suka bikin orang geer
Siapa? Kamu?
Iya, lah. Siapa lagi?
Kalo geer, artinya naksir
Well, I don’t
Well, I do
Uhuk uhuk! Uhuk uhuk!, Dion pun tersedak. Setengah terkekeh, Jana memberikan minuman padanya. Dion langsung meminum segelas air putih yang juga dibawa Jana. Kemudian, setelah menenangkan diri, Dion memandang Jana dengan ekspresi serius.
Jan, perasaan bukan ajang main-main
I know
So, for your information, do not say anything about this anymore
So you don’t like me?
Hening.
I thought that we’re friends
Bullshit. We could never be friends. Robi dan temen-temen kontrakan kamu pasti juga mikir yang lain kan?
Sekali lagi. Hening.
Dion tak tahu apa yang bisa dia katakan. Semua yang telah dia acuhkan, kini seolah terbuka. Menguap menjadi beberapa tutur kata jujur dan ringan dari Jana. Perasaannya yang selalu dia coba hindari dan acuhkan, seolah datang dan menyerbu otaknya dalam sekejab.
Ok, here’s the thing. I like you. I really do. I don’t want you. I need you. I can’t be my self with anybody else, but you. I can’t be not around you. So I guess, I need to be next to you, for the rest of my life.
Jana langsung menutup mulut Dion saat Dion mencoba memberikan respon.
But I can’t give you a status. Ini aku, Dion. I can’t live in a relationship. That’s not my thing. Relationship just make people come and go. It doesn’t guarantee the people would stay. I don’t do that. But I can live on your side, as long as you want me
Hening. Jana membuka bekapan tangannya. Dia membiarkan Dion bicara kini.
Namun Dion hanya terdiam. Diciumnya dahi Jana, kemudian dia memeluk Jana dengan erat. Tidak satu pernyataan pun keluar dari mulutnya. Dan untuk pertama kali dalam hidupnya, Jana ‘menghadapi’ sesuatu.

Love Presentation

“Kenapa aku harus nerima kamu?”
Kiki mengerutkan dahinya. Wajah bulat dan menggemaskannya terlihat cemberut sekaligus bingung menatap Morie yang membawa sebuah cincin yang dibuat dari bunga, yang buru-buru dibuatnya tadi pagi akibat ide mendadak melamar sahabatnya itu dengan alibi ‘say it with flowers’. Bukan sebuah cincin yang layak yang sewajarnya diberikan saat seorang pria melamar seorang wanita, sama tak layaknya dengan seorang Morie yang tak pernah serius itu kini berlutut melamar sahabatnya sendiri, yang sedang duduk santai di bawah pohon rindang tempat mereka biasa bercanda dan berbagi cerita.
“Memangnya ada alasan buat kamu nolak aku?”, tanya Morie ikut mengerutkan dahi, penuh kepercayaan diri dan ketulusan.
“Ok. Kalo ini bercanda, aku nggak mau ikutan”
“Kalo serius, kamu mau?”, tanya Morie penuh harap.
“Morie!”
“Ya, sobatku yang bawel”
“See? Kamu nggak pernah serius”
“Tapi kamu mau aku serius sama kamu?”
“In your dream! We’re bestfriends, not couple”
“Tapi aku nggak mau pacaran sama kamu, Ki”
Kiki bertolak pinggang. Wajahnya merah menahan marah.
“Gimana caranya dari sobatan langsung nikah!? Mikir dong, Morieeeeeeeee”
“Aku maunya kamu tetap jadi sobatku”
“Sobat bukan pasangan hidup, Morie”
“Aku nggak mau kamu cuma jadi pasangan hidupku, Ki. Aku mau kamu jadi sahabat dan teman hidup sampai akhir hayatku”
“Tanpa nikah, kita bisa sahabatan terus kok, Mor”
“Kita bisa saling mengerti dan memahami selamanya”
“Yap”
“Tapi aku mau jadi yang satu-satunya mengerti dan memahami kamu”
“Morie, be serious”
“Aku boleh presentasi bentar nggak?”
“Hah?”
“Aku konyol dan nggak pernah serius. Aku selalu gagal presentasi dengan baik. Tapi aku mau ini jadi presentasi terbaik aku, dan aku mau kamu satu-satunya yang jadi saksi presentasi terbaik aku”
Kiki bingung. Dia menahan tawa akan kelakuan sahabatnya kali ini. Entah jebakan atau bahan lawakan apalagi yang akan dilihatnya dari Morie. Melihat wajah penuh harap Morie, Kiki menganggukkan kepalanya.
“Kirana Indira Raisha. Kamu orang paling bawel dan menyebalkan yang pernah aku temui”
Sedikit terkejut. Kiki membelalakkan matanya.
“Kamu keras kepala, galak, miss repot dan suka ngerepotin orang, sok idealis, bawel, tukang komentar, perfeksionis padahal ceroboh. Aku nggak tahu maumu. Tapi aku yakin kamu sendiri nggak tahu mau kamu apa. Kamu orang paling menyebalkan yang pernah aku temui”
Setengah menganga, mata Kiki semakin membelalak. Seolah siap menyalak dan mencabik Morie yang kini berdiri mempresentasikan presentasi terbaiknya.
“Dan ada banyak hal yang aku nggak ngerti dari kamu”
Kiki menatapnya tajam.
“Kenapa orang sekeras kepala dan serepot kamu bisa bikin aku semakin nggak bisa ngebiarin kamu”
“Kenapa orang segalak kamu bisa bikin aku ketagihan lihat kamu marah-marah”
“Kenapa aku bisa kangen setengah mati kalau nggak denger bawelnya kamu”
“Kenapa semakin aku nggak ngerti kamu semakin aku pengen tahu tentang kamu”
“Dan yang paling aku nggak ngerti, kenapa orang semenyebalkan kamu bisa bikin aku sebegini nyamannya di samping kamu”
“Setiap hari aku bingung gimana mesti menghadapi kamu. Aku bingung harus tetap jaga persahabatan kita atau harus menjadikan kamu pacarku”
“Jadi, semalaman aku berpikir keras dan akhirnya aku memberanikan diri. Posisi apa yang pantas kamu tempati di hatiku”
“Be the love of my life, Kirana Indira Raisha”
Kiki terbengong-bengong mendengar presentasi Morie. Seolah itu bukan sosok Morie yang selama ini dikenalnya. Morie yang ini begitu serius dan yakin akan dirinya. Namun Kiki tak ingin terkecoh begitu saja. Dia tak mau Morie membodohinya untuk kesekian kali, seperti biasanya.
“Atas dasar apa kamu seenaknya milihin posisi aku? Emang kamu pikir aku bakal setuju? Emangnya aku bakal mau sama kamu? Emangnya aku peduli sama semua presentasi kamu?”
“Kamu bawel banget ya, Ki”, celetuk Morie cengar-cengir, membuat wajah Kiki bersemu merah.
“Nggak bisa jawab, kan?”, serang Kiki sebal.
“Emangnya kamu mau nyari kemana lagi cowok yang bersedia mencintai kamu segila dan sekonyol aku?”
“Yee! Emang yang mau sama aku cuma kamu doang!?”
“Tapi yang aku mau cuma kamu”
“Dan aku nggak pernah ngelihat kamu segombal ini”
“kamu yang paling tahu aku paling nggak bisa gombal”
“Yakiiiinnnnn?”
“Heh, sesi tanya jawab presentasinya belum dibuka, tahu”
“Buka aja. Pertanyaan aku cuma satu, kok”
“Ok. Apa pertanyaannya?”
“Kasih aku satu alasan kenapa aku harus nerima kamu”
“Hahahah”, Morie tergelak.
“Kenapa ketawa?”
“Kamu belum ngerti juga ya, Ki?”
“Emang kenapa?”
“Aku butuh kamu, lebih daripada kamu butuh aku”
“Shit”, geram Kiki speechless.
Senyum lebar menghias wajah Morie yang kini berbinar, menunjukkan kepercayaan dirinya yang menumpuk.
“Gimana presentasiku?”
“E”
“Hah? Serius!?”, Morie terbengong-bengong.
“E for Excellent”

sebuah kerinduan

Teruntuk, rangkaian kata yang jengah diurai
Teruntuk, paduan sinyal jernih nada sikap
Teruntuk, gema beriring untaian rasa
Seekor gagak hitam terbang melintasi hutan kelam. Sekilas, pandangannya terjerat pesona Sutra yang menyisir lembut rambut hitam legamnya. Cantik, namun angkuh dan menyilaukan.
Gagak pemalu pun bertengger di sebuah pohon rindang di sisi hutan kelam. Matanya nikmat menjamah tiap gerik cantik Sutra anggun.
Kibasan bulu matanya yang memikat, menjebak gagak pemalu yang hanya bisa mengintip mengagumi idamannya.
Adakah mahluk selain dia yang sebegitu indahnya?, tanya gagak pemalu dalam hati.
Gagak pemalu hanya bisa diam, lalu dia memutuskan terbang menjauhi mutiara hutan itu, Sutra namanya.
Gagak terbang tak tentu arah, berusaha lepas dari bayangan Sutra, yang begitu kemilau diingatannya.
Keesokannya, gagak pemalu kembali melintasi hutan kelam itu. Dengan sosok gagah penuh kebanggaan, dia terbang acuh tak acuh, namun sesekali melirik penasaran mencari sosok Sutra, mahluk terindah yang hinggap dikepalanya.
Dan bertemulah gagak dengan sosok Sutra yang sedang membelai lembut sebuah pohon rindang, tak jauh dari pandangan si gagak.
Hati-hati, si gagak mempelajari tiap langkah Sutra yang bersenandung merdu, seolah berbisik pada alam. Menciumi dedaunan yang meranggas dan terbang membelai rambut hitam legamnya, membuat iri si gagak yang tak tahan ingin ikut menghampirinya.
Lama gagak menanti hingga Sutra selesai bersenandung. Dia begitu ingin menghampiri Sutra, tanpa harus mengusiknya.
Pantaskah gagak menjamahmu, Sutra?
Seketika Sutra bungkam. Dia membisu menatap langit dari rindangnya hutan kelam. Dan sunyi menggerogoti syahdu senyap sang hutan. Tak ada apapun menemani Sutra.
Gagak pemalu tersadar. Betapa Sutra hanya sendirian. Mungkin selalu sendirian. Dan Sutra selalu menatap langit, entah kemarin atau pun hari ini. Entah apa yang dinanti Sutra. Entah apa yang memikatnya di langit luas itu. Apakah biru yang pilu memanggilnya, atau kah jauhnya langit untuk bisa digapainya. Gagak pun tak tahu. Namun dia butuh untuk tahu. Dia ingin tahu, apa yang disimpan dalamnya mata coklat itu. Apa yang mengalir bersama derasnya aliran darah dalam tubuh pucat wajah sendu itu. Udara apa yang meresap di setiap tarikan nafas Sutra.
Gagak pun mengurungkan niatnya. Tak mungkin dia menghampiri Sutra. Jauh jarak tak terungkap yang ada antara dia dan Sutra. Dalamnya kisaran jiwa Sutra, begitu ditakuti oleh gagak, dapat menenggelamkan jiwanya. Gagak pun memutuskan pergi. Terbang jauh, menembus kelamnya hutan.
Mungkin besok, Sutra takkan sejauh ini dariku,bisiknya dalam hati.
Besok harinya pun, gagak terbang, namun kali ini tidak dengan gagah sosoknya. Dia terbang ragu dan kadang penuh lamunan dan bingung yang berperang dengan rindu. Dia rindu akan sosok Sutra.
Gagak terbang bebas, tanpa satu tarikan angin menahannya. Dia melintas, melesat dengan cepat, menghampiri pohon rindang kemarin. Dia pun menanti sosok Sutra. Menanti dan terus menanti, berharap hari ini Sutra sudi menyadari kehadirannya, gagak pemalu, pengagumnya.
Datanglah sayup-sayup suara langkah kaki anggun itu. Cerah hati gagak, melebihi cerah warna bulunya. Namun seketika sirna pula kilauan hati gagak. Murung wajahnya menatap sosok tinggi gagah yang berdiri mendampingi Sutra. Manusia sepadan, yang sanggup membuat Sutra tak peduli akan birunya langit dan jauhnya angkasa.
Beriringan pendampingnya memegangi jemari lentik Sutra, melukis senyum yang tak pernah sanggup gagak pahat di wajah lembut Sutra.
Gagak murung.
Gagak bisu.

Dan dia hanyalah gagak.
Tak punya kata, tak punya cara. Yang dia tahu hanya rasa.
Tak punya alasan, tak menuntut jawaban, yang dia tahu hanya ‘ada’.
Gagak pun terbang tinggi, menembus redupnya langit. Menghantarkan dirinya pada kalbu harapan semu.

dilema

Ada satu saat dimana kita berhenti bertanya 'kenapa'.karena memang tidak semua pertanyaan 'kenapa' memiliki jawaban.dan tidak semua 'kenapa' berarti kita mempertanyakan alasan.karena kalau kita terus menuntut akan adanya alasan,kita akan terhenyak sendiri saat kemudian kita ada di satu posisi dimana 'kenapa' hanyalah sebuah bagian dari kalimat retoris.dimana kita sendiri terus berpikir keras mencari jawaban dari kenapa,hingga akhirnya pertanyaan itu kembali pada diri kita sendiri.

"kenapa kita terus mencari jawaban dari 'kenapa'?"
"kenapa kita terus mencari alasan dari 'kenapa'?"
"kenapa kita lari dari kenyataan bahwa tidak semua 'kenapa' ada jawabannya?"

Saya nggak tahu dengan orang lain,tapi saya sudah memiliki satu hari dengan penuh pertanyaan 'kenapa' yang seolah meledak bersamaan.bertumpuk dan kemudian meledak di kepala saya di hari yang sama.dan itu adalah satu hari yang sempurna.dimana ketika seharian saya mati-matian mencari jawaban dari semua 'kenapa' dan berakhir dengan kembalinya pertanyaan itu pada diri saya sendiri.

Hari dimana saya percaya bahwa belum waktunya seseorang pergi karena sakitnya dan akan datangnya seseorang yang justru sampai detik ini terus membuat saya bertanya 'kenapa' dia tidak ada justru disaat saya berharap dia ada.dan kemudian semua kepercayaan itu pun lenyap,seiring dengan berlalunya hari.meski hari saya berhenti di hari itu.di saat saya menunggu dan terus menunggu hingga saya lelah menunggu dan berhenti bertanya 'kenapa' dan melupakan makna dari 'percaya' itu sendiri.

Hingga akhirnya kita menyadari bahwa sesungguhnya bukan karena 'kenapa' tidak memiliki alasan,tapi memang bukan kita sendiri yang berwenang menjawab 'kenapa' itu sendiri.yang tertinggal pada diri kita,hanyalah 'kenapa' kita tak menyadari bahwa kadang kita sudah kehabisan alasan untuk menjawab 'kenapa'.we did the best we could but it just doesn't work at all.


and what's left?
-memories.